MAY: THE MONTH THAT SHOWS UP LIKE “HEY, I HEARD YOU WERE SAD.”

Ah, May.
The month that waltzes in like a hot-girl summer preview — crop tops, sunshine, allergies, and vibes that scream:
“We survived April, let’s do stupid shit.”
April was a messy bitch with mood swings.
May? May is the friend who hands you a drink and says,
“I support your bad decisions. Let’s go.”
And honestly? We’re here for it.

​WEATHER IN MAY: HOT? COLD? HORNY? WHO KNOWS.

May weather acts like it’s trying to flirt.
One day it’s warm enough that everyone’s thighs are sticking to car seats.
The next day the wind is cold enough to hurt your feelings.
You think summer is here — bam — surprise rainstorm.
You wear shorts — bam — frostbite in the shade.
You try to look cute — bam — humidity turns your hair into a poodle on probation.
But hey, at least it’s not April.

​MAY HOLIDAYS: A BEAUTIFUL SHITSHOW

Let’s break it down:
🌟 May 4th – Star Wars DayA national holiday for adults who spent their childhoods avoiding sunlight.
Come drink like a Jedi. Or a Sith. We don’t judge.
🎉 Cinco de MayoThe day when everyone suddenly “remembers” they love tequila.
And forgets they can’t handle tequila.
🌸 Mother’s DayGet your mom something nice.
She didn’t raise you just for you to show up with a gas station bouquet and emotional damage.
🍔 Memorial DayThe kickoff to summer — also known as
“Oh crap, I’m not swimsuit-ready but guess what? I’m wearing it anyway.”
God bless America.

​THINGS WE’RE DOING IN MAY (BAD DECISIONS INCLUDED)

​At Fifty’s Saloon, May means:

• Drinking like pollen isn’t trying to murder us
• Eating food that laughs in the face of your summer diet
• Pretending we didn’t swear back in January to “get our lives together”
• Being outside for 7 minutes before saying “Nope, too many bugs”
• Flirting aggressively and then immediately losing all confidence

Basically: thriving.

​MAY ENERGY: FERAL WITH A TOUCH OF CLASS

May is like:
“Let’s open the windows, let in the sunshine, and pretend our lives aren’t chaos.”
And then it’s also like:
“Let’s get drunk on a Wednesday because the birds are singing too loudly.”
It’s the duality for us.
And that duality pairs beautifully with:

• Beer
• Whiskey
• Questionable choices
• Long weekends
• And denying reality until June forces us to face it

Fifty's Annual Roundhouse Kick In A Starbucks Roadshow

America’s most controversial political event that isn’t real… but absolutely should be.
Welcome, patriots, troublemakers, spectators, and anyone who got lost on the way to an actual protest.
It’s that glorious time of year again — the Fifty’s Annual Roundhouse Kick a Lib in a Starbucks Roadshow, the single most important political event of our generation.*
*Important in the way a raccoon wearing sunglasses is important: not at all, but you can’t look away.
Every spring, our elite team of highly untrained, ethically questionable, caffeine-fueled freedom warriors embark on a nationwide “tour” of Starbucks parking lots to deliver metaphorical justice via symbolic roundhouse kicks. And by “symbolic,” we mean zero actual contact, because our insurance provider has already warned us twice.
This year’s Roadshow features:

• Choreographed roundhouse kicks that look like they were taught by a drunk cousin at a barbecue
• Political speeches that contain absolutely no facts but plenty of volume
• A traveling cardboard cutout of Chuck Norris for morale
• A fully operational fog machine for dramatic effect
• Unsuspecting libs
• A grand finale inside a Starbucks where we buy overpriced coffee and loudly declare it a microaggression

Is it real?
Yes.
Is it fake?
Also yes.
Is it political?
In the same way pro wrestling is political — loud, sweaty, and mostly improvised.
Join us on the Roadshow!
Bring your friends, bring your enemies, bring your chiropractor (you’ll need them), and help us defend freedom one theatrical, slow-motion, legally-safe roundhouse at a time.
America needs heroes.
Not us — but someone does.