March

March is finally here, that awkward transitional month where winter throws one last middle finger before spring decides whether it wants to show up or ghost us again. It's 2026, the calendar says spring starts soon, but let's be real—half of you are still scraping ice off your windshield while the other half are pretending global warming is just "nice weather finally." Here's a sarcastic rundown of the bullshit happening in March 2026 that you definitely need to pretend to care about.

March 1st - National Pig Day

March kicks off with National Pig Day on the 1st because apparently pigs needed their own holiday. Because nothing says "celebration" like honoring the animal that's basically bacon waiting to happen. Go hug a pig or whatever—I'll be over here eating bacon in solidarity.

March 3rd - Total Lunar Eclipse/Blood Moon

Then there's the total lunar eclipse / blood moon on March 3rd. Yeah, the moon's gonna turn red for like an hour because Earth photobombs it with its shadow. It's the last total lunar eclipse until fucking 2028, so if you miss it, congrats, you've got two years to practice your "I was asleep" excuse. Pro tip: Stay up until 3-6 a.m. depending on your time zone, freeze your ass off, and stare at a slightly rust-colored moon. Romantic as hell if your date is into apocalyptic vibes.

March 8th - Daylight Savings Time

Daylight Saving Time springs forward on March 8th. Because nothing improves productivity like losing an hour of sleep and pretending the government didn't just steal it from you. Enjoy your extra "evening light" while you're cranky as fuck for the next week. Sand people are exempt from this. 

March 17th - St. Patrick's Day

 St. Patrick's Day on the 17th—green beer, shamrocks, and drunk people claiming they're "a little Irish" because their great-great-grandma once ate a potato. Wear green or get pinched, because apparently violence is the appropriate response to fashion choices. If you're not blacked out by noon, are you even doing it right? Look, just throw some salted meat into a pan of boiling water and throw in a bunch of root vegetables. and cabbage. Boil it long enough until everything is kind of mushy. Look, you're going to put so much mustard and butter on that shit, that's it's not even going to matter. 

Women's History Month

​Women's History Month runs the whole damn time, which is great because women have done cool shit forever and we only get one month to remember it before everyone forgets again. Celebrate by... I don't know, not being a dick? Revolutionary concept.

March 20th - Spring

The Spring Equinox hits March 20th, officially the first day of spring. Expect exactly one nice day followed by a random snowstorm because Mother Nature's a sadistic bitch. Bonus: International Day of Happiness on the same day. Because nothing makes you happier than realizing tax season is coming and your allergies are about to kick your ass.

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March is basically nature's way of saying "psych!" after February tried to kill us with cold. One minute it's 70 degrees and you're wearing shorts; the next it's snowing and you're questioning your life choices. Enjoy the chaos, hoard your daylight like it's gold, and for fuck's sake, don't forget to set your clocks forward unless you want to be that asshole showing up an hour late everywhere. Happy March, you beautiful disasters. Try not to die from seasonal depression or pollen.

​Fifty's Saloon – Short-Ass Disclaimer (Because Nobody Reads the Long One)By reading this blog you agree:

• We’re not responsible if the population goes up, down, or sideways because of anything written here.
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You’ve been warned, you beautiful trainwreck. Now scroll on.

​— Fiddy BMG (still not sorry)